Cold turkey 3 months on.


After twenty six years of allowing myself to experience suffering, twelve years of soul searching and four years of being on anti-depressants I decided to go cold turkey and come off anti-depressants.  Three months ago, I rebelled.  I did what I do best.

‘Yes’, it has been very difficult and ‘No’ please do not do what I did until you have spoken to your doctor.  I spoke to my doctor who advised me not to go cold turkey but seriously, I had had enough.  I wanted to feel emotions again, I wanted to live, feel alive and I wanted to realise what I had been doing to my body and this is what has happened in the last three months…  I’ve cried, a lot, I’ve felt dizzy, a lot, I’ve started exercising, I feel a lot of anger, I still don’t feel like I’m living, I have stopped drinking alcohol so much, I am jobless and I have stabilized my weight.

I still have no idea what I am doing on this planet, what is the purpose of my existence?  ‘Yes’ I do feel like giving up because my brain is so crazy at the moment or we could say ‘Frazzled’ as Ruby Wax refers to it.

But, I do have a that one little spark, the one that has hope, that glows, dimly.  The one that wants to make sure I’m the best mom I could ever be.  I’ve always wanted to be a mom.  I do have the most perfect son, even better than I ever imagined I would have.

To help me along with my day I have a tiny combination of people who I listen to and watch online, Marianne Williamson, Tony Robbins, Ekhart Tolle and latterly Gabby Bernstein.  I live in the isolated, beautiful, British countryside, in a big beautiful house.  I do feel lonely at times but I know the universe is giving me a beautiful environment to heal, develop and to push myself to my limits so I can really get to know myself.

But this is just so difficult and at times I feel so low that my insides feel like they are being starved of oxygen, my teeth are clenching together and my jaw hurts and I can actually feel all the neuro paths in my brain constantly jolting.

I am starting to feel sleepy, I want to really end this on a positive note, my lesson learnt of the day, as Tony Robbins states: ‘Where focus goes, energy flows’.  So I need to focus on what ‘I have’.  The one thing I freely preach to the whole world, ‘Gratitude’.


Cheese or Romance?

JP Coopers song, ‘September Song’ has been rolling in my mind all day.  I think it’s such a beautiful song.  Not many of them around these day.  JP Cooper sings it and he’s an 80’s child, like me.  I was listening to it with my fiance’… well sharing it with him and I was totally getting into the beat, JP’s voice, the lyrics and was feeling so in love.  Out of the blue, with no warning at all Fiance’ comments coldly, ‘It’s CHEESY’!!!

Have a listen on YouTube and share your thoughts with me, is it Cheese or Romance?

For those of you who love reading lyrics when a song is playing:

Hey World!  I just bought tickets to go and see JP Cooper on tour!  O2 Shepherds Bush here I come.  He has such an amazing voice… he could sing to me all day long.  He’s definitely ROMANTIC!!

Anything that makes my heart ooze and my body fill with Serotonin is great for me at the moment.  I truly feel sad sometimes because my love is not reciprocated, there’s a hole in my throat filled with numbness.


Scrummy Sunday with Yummy Food… 

Well, today it’s my turn to bring joy to food before it enters our mouths and goes through the human digestive system.  Whilst half the nation are marathoning, I cook.. 


And, so it went on… for the whole day… ending with my nearly 10, year old attempting to make our little family a ‘Green’s Velvety Cheesecake’.  This is hilarious, they (fiancé and son) are attempting to hand whisk the velvety cheesecake filling.  Fighting in their own special way, to try and gain control of the whisk. 

She is so Brilliant!

In the beginning, there was Marianne.  If you are looking for an inspirational kick start in your new venture into the existence of you, may I suggest you start with the gentle, nurturing, eye opening words from Marianne.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

From a Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson.

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Swigs Swogs and Gogs ….. Part B

It’s divine, the moment, when you are sitting cross legged, back straight and your head covered with a beautiful piece of sheer fabric.  Eyes gently closed and ears wide open to hear the words of Baba Ji.  The fingers of your hand have gently entwined with the weight settled on top of your crossed legs.

Understanding only one word out of every ten, but yet feeling a part of something, being able to plug in and light up and hopefully transmit to your temporary attachment.

Take a slow deep breath in, hold it for a few seconds and gently blow all the tension, stress and worries out of your body.  It became a familiar phrase and an important coping strategy that gave me a way of escaping into another world, my world. Time does not exist, nor noise, just me, reborn every time.

Swigs Swogs and Gogs …. Part 1

Swigs and swogs that was gogs, the secret language of pidh podh padh.  They were truly happy and content with the day they had experienced and what a fun packed day it was.  Creating great memories suddenly became the mission of these two individuals.  They hadn’t always had it easy they have had to do a lot of building to get where they are now.

Autumn, the leaves were falling, as they do, it was most magical to finally experience walking through the leaves, with no pressure to be anywhere else or do something.  The coldness of the tip of my nose was not even apparent.  Normally I would be sniffling and snoffling and feeling oh so cold.  But not today.  Today was the day I was with the reason for my living and we finally discovered a sense of being.

Yes I know it sounds so simple and yes that is the beauty of it.  The beauty of living or starting to live.  The simple things, being in the now, living the moment …. Carpe Diem.  And that’s where we met, Carpe Diem a locale at the top of Potenza.

Potenza litterally translates to power.  Living in a city called Potenza can make you feel somewhat empowered.  Strange that if there was a city called poverty… Would we all live in poverty?

The people of Potenza were potente… They were powerful, the air seemed powerful, with all the mountains and beautiful buildings.  The strength was also present in the food.  The amazing food that they ate, so full of strength.  You could only eat a certain amount and you would feel full.  Eat too much and your whole body would shut down so your stomach could focus on digestion.  Every mouthful tasted so flavoursome it made your tongue feel alive.  Not to forget the local wine, it was just so perfect in every essence and tasted so divine.

Next step, you choose: