After twenty six years of allowing myself to experience suffering, twelve years of soul searching and four years of being on anti-depressants I decided to go cold turkey and come off anti-depressants. Three months ago, I rebelled. I did what I do best.
‘Yes’, it has been very difficult and ‘No’ please do not do what I did until you have spoken to your doctor. I spoke to my doctor who advised me not to go cold turkey but seriously, I had had enough. I wanted to feel emotions again, I wanted to live, feel alive and I wanted to realise what I had been doing to my body and this is what has happened in the last three months… I’ve cried, a lot, I’ve felt dizzy, a lot, I’ve started exercising, I feel a lot of anger, I still don’t feel like I’m living, I have stopped drinking alcohol so much, I am jobless and I have stabilized my weight.
I still have no idea what I am doing on this planet, what is the purpose of my existence? ‘Yes’ I do feel like giving up because my brain is so crazy at the moment or we could say ‘Frazzled’ as Ruby Wax refers to it.
But, I do have a that one little spark, the one that has hope, that glows, dimly. The one that wants to make sure I’m the best mom I could ever be. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I do have the most perfect son, even better than I ever imagined I would have.
To help me along with my day I have a tiny combination of people who I listen to and watch online, Marianne Williamson, Tony Robbins, Ekhart Tolle and latterly Gabby Bernstein. I live in the isolated, beautiful, British countryside, in a big beautiful house. I do feel lonely at times but I know the universe is giving me a beautiful environment to heal, develop and to push myself to my limits so I can really get to know myself.
But this is just so difficult and at times I feel so low that my insides feel like they are being starved of oxygen, my teeth are clenching together and my jaw hurts and I can actually feel all the neuro paths in my brain constantly jolting.
I am starting to feel sleepy, I want to really end this on a positive note, my lesson learnt of the day, as Tony Robbins states: ‘Where focus goes, energy flows’. So I need to focus on what ‘I have’. The one thing I freely preach to the whole world, ‘Gratitude’.