Cold turkey 3 months on.

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After twenty six years of allowing myself to experience suffering, twelve years of soul searching and four years of being on anti-depressants I decided to go cold turkey and come off anti-depressants.  Three months ago, I rebelled.  I did what I do best.

‘Yes’, it has been very difficult and ‘No’ please do not do what I did until you have spoken to your doctor.  I spoke to my doctor who advised me not to go cold turkey but seriously, I had had enough.  I wanted to feel emotions again, I wanted to live, feel alive and I wanted to realise what I had been doing to my body and this is what has happened in the last three months…  I’ve cried, a lot, I’ve felt dizzy, a lot, I’ve started exercising, I feel a lot of anger, I still don’t feel like I’m living, I have stopped drinking alcohol so much, I am jobless and I have stabilized my weight.

I still have no idea what I am doing on this planet, what is the purpose of my existence?  ‘Yes’ I do feel like giving up because my brain is so crazy at the moment or we could say ‘Frazzled’ as Ruby Wax refers to it.

But, I do have a that one little spark, the one that has hope, that glows, dimly.  The one that wants to make sure I’m the best mom I could ever be.  I’ve always wanted to be a mom.  I do have the most perfect son, even better than I ever imagined I would have.

To help me along with my day I have a tiny combination of people who I listen to and watch online, Marianne Williamson, Tony Robbins, Ekhart Tolle and latterly Gabby Bernstein.  I live in the isolated, beautiful, British countryside, in a big beautiful house.  I do feel lonely at times but I know the universe is giving me a beautiful environment to heal, develop and to push myself to my limits so I can really get to know myself.

But this is just so difficult and at times I feel so low that my insides feel like they are being starved of oxygen, my teeth are clenching together and my jaw hurts and I can actually feel all the neuro paths in my brain constantly jolting.

I am starting to feel sleepy, I want to really end this on a positive note, my lesson learnt of the day, as Tony Robbins states: ‘Where focus goes, energy glows’.  So I need to focus on what ‘I have’.  The one thing I freely preach to the whole world, ‘Gratitude’.

 

Cheese or Romance?

JP Coopers song, ‘September Song’ has been rolling in my mind all day.  I think it’s such a beautiful song.  Not many of them around these day.  JP Cooper sings it and he’s an 80’s child, like me.  I was listening to it with my fiance’… well sharing it with him and I was totally getting into the beat, JP’s voice, the lyrics and was feeling so in love.  Out of the blue, with no warning at all Fiance’ comments coldly, ‘It’s CHEESY’!!!

Have a listen on YouTube and share your thoughts with me, is it Cheese or Romance?

For those of you who love reading lyrics when a song is playing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnLmGr4_DEo

Hey World!  I just bought tickets to go and see JP Cooper on tour!  O2 Shepherds Bush here I come.  He has such an amazing voice… he could sing to me all day long.  He’s definitely ROMANTIC!!

Anything that makes my heart ooze and my body fill with Serotonin is great for me at the moment.  I truly feel sad sometimes because my love is not reciprocated, there’s a hole in my throat filled with numbness.

 

Scrummy Sunday with Yummy Food… 

Well, today it’s my turn to bring joy to food before it enters our mouths and goes through the human digestive system.  Whilst half the nation are marathoning, I cook.. 

 

And, so it went on… for the whole day… ending with my nearly 10, year old attempting to make our little family a ‘Green’s Velvety Cheesecake’.  This is hilarious, they (fiancé and son) are attempting to hand whisk the velvety cheesecake filling.  Fighting in their own special way, to try and gain control of the whisk. 

Saturday Night watching The Voice on ITV

Not my usual Saturday night, but yey… I’m drinking red wine from Southern Australia, with the wood fire burning and a corn tortilla full of roasted peppers, aubergine and my favourite food in the World ‘rucola’… and here’s where I make sure the reader knows exactly what I’m talking about, https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eruca_sativa  

Hold on… ‘fiancé has just cooked up a plate of amazing nachos! 

Nachos made by a Scott!

The voices in my head – short story in the making.


“That’s enough!” Lucy shouted to herself.  “This has to change? It just can’t keep happening to me over and over again?” Lucy stared at her reflection in the French door windows, past her reflection she could see that the rain was battering down in big splodges and small puddles were accumulating in the uneven crevices of the patio.  She was ready to burst, to breakdown, to let all hell break free, and just then, Elle came in,“Hold it together,” she said in her stern voice, you can’t possibly let this get you down.”  She paused and waited for Lucy to react to what she has just said “I can’t possibly let this get me down?” Lucy’s forehead screwed up into what looked like three vertical miniature fish fingers lined up at the brow with lines above that looked like a miniature rainbow.  “Why, does this happen to me? Everyone is getting on with their lives and I’m stuck, stuck in the same old rut I was born in. What is the point of creating something like me?  Why can’t I have what others can have?  What am I doing wrong?”  Drained by her rut that absorbs all she has, to keep it living, Lucy tried to remember her last session with Luke.  Looking for a flash of light in this dark dark place, a cord she can pull on to turn on the light and pull herself up to her feet and light up her dark library of memories.

21 day habit buster – day 2

Well, so far, I’m not overly happy.  I can’t say I have stuck to my three simple goals to the best of my ability.

  • I am definitely drinking water before every meal.  Before I put anything in my mouth is another thing.  I find I put lots of food in my mouth simply just when I walk past anything.  When I am preparing a meal I’ve realised I actually eat a meal by grazing and tasting the meal which I am cooking.
  • Eat three meals a day.  Yes I’m doing this too.
  • Walking for 20 mins a day.  Have not even started.

Until I can do all three things in one day I can’t start to break my habit.  Furthermore, I have started to realise just how much I love food and the feeling of being overly full.  What could I possibly do to take this pleasure away?  … here I go again … drifting away from the task in hand.  Three simple goals.

21 day habit buster.

Tried almost everything under the sun that doesn’t involve a knife or going under anesthetic, only further failing to eradicate those ‘bad’ habits.

After all that soul-searching, (reading books, yoga, hypnosis, sports, fat clubs, you name it) I have come to the realisation that I possess some bad habits that really irritate me.  Yes, ‘MY’ bad habits really irritate ‘ME’!

What am I going to do about it? (Reader, I would be overjoyed if you joined in and shared your progress with me)

Step one: I am going to firstly list my irritating habits, in order of what comes to my mind first:

  1. Eating at times other than meal times (at the table from one plate)
  2. Given up on walking
  3. Not drinking water when I feel hungry to work out whether my body is hungry or thirsty
  4. I think this is enough for now.

Step two: I will now turn these negative points into positive mini goals:

  1. Eat three meals that make my taste buds dance every day
  2. Walk for 20 minutes a day in rain, sun, snow or wind and enjoy the sensations of the weather against my skin.
  3.  Drink some water before I put anything else in my mouth.
  4. Do this for 21 days and set some more mini goals.

To keep me on track, I have devised a little chart that I will keep with me and update…

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I will be back tomorrow with an update of what I achieved on my first day.  🙂